Brooke E. Wayne: Contemporary Romance with a Kiss of Humor

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Twisting a Bad Example

Brooke E. Wayne: A Rom-Com Writer’s Ramblings

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My twist on today’s writing challenge is revising the example of what NOT to do. The Writing 101 Task Eleven Size Matters prompt included the passage in quotes below–a perfect illustration of monotonous cadence in writing due to a lack of varied sentence lengths. The prompt asked that we write about the house we lived in when we were twelve. I started messing around with the passage instead and decided to make it my response to the writing task.

“The man rode hard through the woods. The black horse’s effort lay in lather. The sun beat down from high overhead. Dark birds circled, drifted, and then returned. The land baked, and dust hung suspended.”

My revision of the passage:

FullSizeRenderNaked branches tore at the man’s shirt, gnarled and twisted, bending their claws in desperation, as he broke free from the parched woods. They were closing in. A merciless heat beat down on the wasteland. Desolate. Wrought with lifeless wreckage caused by the blistering sun. His black horse, never faltering once, pressed forward upon the scorched riverbed. Hot breath burst from the beast’s flaring nostrils. Closer still. Men’s cries rang out. Their gunshots shattered dark birds against the stark white sky, once drifting in aimless circles. His freedom neared. He could see the border just over the horizon. Sensing the man’s adrenaline, his horse bore down, and dust hung suspended in the wake of their escape.

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